The story of Levi continued...

Much to our shock, as we planned on having a little break! We found we were expecting again in September. Although everyone was excited there was a definite hesitation to celebrate as the recent miscarriage left us full of fear! 

However naivety struck as I convinced myself that I couldn't possibly miscarry twice in a row... Again about a week after finding out the news I was back in Hospital with similar complications as before...The scan again showed all was as it should be and the midwife encouraged us to think positively, however I, with no delay, informed her of our situation and that it was highly unlikely I would be able to think anything positive. We were booked in to come back in 10 days for another scan, and due to continuing complications, after what I thought was the longest 10 days ever we returned and awaited our scan... The scan was inconclusive! Without getting to technical, the baby had grown but not to the extent they were expecting, we were sent home and booked to come back in 2 weeks - this really was the longest two weeks of my life...

The scan showed that we had once again lost the baby. however to worsen what I thought could not be worse, the baby was still in the womb. I was booked in for surgery in November, 6 weeks after finding out I was pregnant. I cannot begin to describe the emotions present as Josh and I waited to be called for surgery. Hearing the doctor say he would take good care of me seemed slightly ironic. I left hospital that night being told that Kezzia was a miracle and my surgeon was unsure I would be able to have anymore children at all. I was to be referred to a specialist for further investigation. 

In the weeks and months that followed I was an emotional wreck! People's comments despite many being said with kindness were in reality heart wrenching. I knew people had no clue how I was feeling, how could they, but I found myself wishing at times they would know that themselves and not try and be helpful!! It was a season of loss and grieving and I could not cope with my emotions or many of life's simple tasks! My heart had been shattered and I found it difficult to believe it could be repaired.

The pain of losing two children in a row is one which I cannot really put into words. The roller coaster of elation at the news of pregnancy and the rapid decent as you find out, for some unknown reason, your baby has not survived their first few weeks of life, plays havoc on your emotions. I found myself not having much energy for anything - looking after Kezzia became a reminder of the reality we had loss, in total 3 children! Hearing news of others pregnancies became a reason for deep sorrow rather than celebration... Being a Christian, I knew God had a plan and that He was in control! But I had questions, I still have questions... However I know it was His strength alone and my faith that kept me going and I can honestly say that through it all my faith and trust in a loving God has deepened. 

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