Coffee & Cupcakes

As we raised our traditional glasses of Asti to celebrate a new year, I like most of you had little awareness of what the twelve months before me held. For some of you faithful readers (it actually has been a long time since I wrote) you will know that Josh and I, prayerfully choose a word for each year on New Year's Eve. I am not into resolutions or claiming for a new me to begin on January 1st. Rather we take a word and allow that to shape our story over the coming twelve months. On January 2021, as we sat with our yearly planner, baked camembert, awaiting fireworks - we wrote 'JOY' over the chapter of 2021.  We had not taken many steps into 2021, before the wonderful experience of homeschooling, that so many of us found ourselves in, began - that joy was seeming a little less of a frequent visitor in our home. As the year went on, honestly, I felt loss, grief or even bizarre, would have better described the year than joy, or any other word for that matter. There were mom...

As I dived into the back seat of the hire car, recieving a handful of sick from my daughter as an arrival gift, I couldn't but question the madness of what we were doing. This thought came and left rapidly as Kezzia continued to be sick and I in a desperate attempt to keep the hire car clean was trying to direct the "deposit" anywhere other than on the car. A quick stop, disposal of some clothes, car seat covers and almost a packet of baby wipes later - I still question how the world survived without wipes - we were back on route and my question cropped up again... Had Josh and I lost all sense and reason? There we were heading for Holyhead, all our belongings following behind in a van - and what exactly were we heading toward? That was the scary part, in reality we didn't really know! We knew Ireland, Sligo was right but in essence that was it! We were leaving behind family, wonderful family, friends, the most incredible friends, a church that we loved and Worth...

As promised dear readers, I said I would write an explain more about life over the past few weeks. Life that has left me with so many emotions, today's post won't begin to unfold them but perhaps in time... Almost 3 weeks ago, an uncle, on my husband's side, was reported missing and within 24 hours his body was found and our quickly growing fears had become reality. At the age of 62 he had taken his own life, in a way I'm still battling to not visualize most days. It was to say the least a huge shock. Josh and I had no idea that his uncle had actually been quite unwell for sometime and although this was a shock to everybody, for us it came completely out of the blue. I write this blog, knowing that unfortunately there are few of us left in today's world that have not have to deal with this subject on quite a close and personal level. I unfortunately have had 2 situations leading to suicide in recent months and, this time more than ever it has been a rollercoaste...

This evening I write feeling very deflated dear readers! I am struggling, struggling with my daughter, not in a naughty way but rather in a heart wrenching way! It has always been a clear sign that my daughter is a "Daddy's Girl", 100% through and through daddy's! This I love. I love that Daddy is her hero, the one she runs to for safety, for laughter - he truly is her superhero - and I love that he is giving her an incredibly picture of what and how a man should be, it gives me great hope for her future choice of boyfriend/husband. However, here comes my struggle, in order to be a complete sell out Daddy's Girl, one has to be completely not a Mummy's Girl! This would be fine but life has become a struggle, my daughter won't let me kiss her, hug her, hold her and if she does it is only knowing that after she can wipe it off and put it back on me! It is ... Heart-breaking! As I have shared this with some they have told me to enjoy it,  enjoy that it is Da...

Much to our shock, as we planned on having a little break! We found we were expecting again in September. Although everyone was excited there was a definite hesitation to celebrate as the recent miscarriage left us full of fear!  However naivety struck as I convinced myself that I couldn't possibly miscarry twice in a row... Again about a week after finding out the news I was back in Hospital with similar complications as before...The scan again showed all was as it should be and the midwife encouraged us to think positively, however I, with no delay, informed her of our situation and that it was highly unlikely I would be able to think anything positive. We were booked in to come back in 10 days for another scan, and due to continuing complications, after what I thought was the longest 10 days ever we returned and awaited our scan... The scan was inconclusive! Without getting to technical, the baby had grown but not to the extent they were expecting, we were sent home and boo...